1: Fantasia (5/5)
2: The Nutcracker 1973 (4/5)
3: Nutcracker Fantasy (3.5/5)
4: Nutcracker: The Motion Picture (3.5/5)
5: The Nutcracker at the Bolshoi Ballet (No rating)
6: Barbie in the Nutcracker (3/5)
7: The Nutcracker 1990 (3/5)
8: The Nutcracker Prince (2.5/5)
9: The Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2/5)
10: The Nutcracker in 3D (2/5)
11: Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tail (2/5)
Fun-ish. But I believe we can have yet more fun than this! I believe there are elements to these Nutcracker tales deserving their own ranking, separate from that of the pictures as a whole. As such, we are going to rank...
The Nutcrackers!
(With respect to both their animate Nutcracker forms, their real human forms, their inanimate forms where applicable, and overall personality! Obviously Fantasia won't partake in these events, but it has won enough by being wonderful as it is already.)
Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale
10: Jerry is not a Nutcracker. He is not functionally a Nutcracker despite the film positioning him as such and briefly dressing him in the Nutcracker garb. I do not respect him in this particular production nearly enough to even take a screenshot of him in the Nutcracker outfit from any point in the movie, so instead I present you with this screenshot of a weird face he made early in the movie, in the spirit of last year's weird Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake with Tom and Jerry.
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms
9: Captain Phillip Hoffmann (ahahahaha funnee) at least looks the part, and I give Jayden Fowora-Knight all credit in the world for doing what he could with an underwritten part, but... this film changed and added so much as to not need a Nutcracker character, so he doesn't have anything special about him. He's not even the only notable Nutcracker we see. Good odds are, the Nutcracker ornament Clara's mother hangs in a flashback or the Nutcracker soldier toy her brother has before she travels to the Four Realms could come to life via the Engine, and be exactly as interesting as Captain Hoffmann. Man doesn't get as much to do in the climax as Mother Ginger, which should tell you something about how much I and the movie alike care about him.
The Nutcracker (1993)
8: Macaulay Culkin's Nutcracker has a highly pleasing silo-shape in his doll form, with some really wispy hair and a good deal of close-ups compared to the other live-action balletic Nutcrackers. Big problem is, once Culkin inhabits the part, he brings none of his trademark charm or energy to the production, and just kinda stiffly marches about looking unengaged until it's time for him to get transformed back, at which point he smiles a little and gets relegated to the background. A solid design put to waste by a poor performance knocks this Nutcracker significantly further down the list than some of the iffier-looking iterations higher up. Damn you, Kit Culkin.
The Nutcracker in 3D
7: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii kinda like the Nutcracker in this one? His compositing into the scenes and many of his animations when a fully CG creation are simply AWFUL, don't get me wrong. When he's a solid, physical prop for a brief while towards the end, though? I see the potential for this design to come across as cute and endearing if still a bit intentionally creepy. Spending most of his time as a digital effect who floats above the film's plane of reality definitely hurts him in the end. The human form's alright, and I am still very much distracted by constantly hearing Moaning Myrtle's voice emanating from that wooden head.
The Nutcracker at the Bolshoi Ballet
6: A decent standard-bearer/stand-in for live on-stage Nutcrackers! His performer does an excellent job at wavering about and hanging stiff yet limp when maneuvered around as a life-sized doll, and he's got all the galloping energy you want from a male balletic lead when both fighting the Mouse King and dancing with Clara. I think he's the only one I like best in human form compared to doll form - some of the close-ups showing how visibly sweaty and exhausted the performers have become after a full night of dancing help a little on that front.
The Nutcracker Prince
5: God, but that's a creepy doll form, huh? I don't rightly know if leaning heavier into a cuter version of his human design for the Nutcracker form was quite the BEST aesthetic choice (Prince comes so close to fully tipping into the uncanny valley at many points, and I wanted it to so bad), yet he makes for a nice if bland presence throughout. Keither Sutherland's practically asleep while voicing him, but then so's everyone in this movie excepting Mike MacDonald. A dork I can support without too many reservations.
Barbie in the Nutcracker
4: Honestly? While turning into Ken at the end hurts his full potential, and while he was never going to rise above this station with the next three as competition, Barbie's Nutcracker Prince is the kind of guy I look at and say, "Yep, he's a Nutcracker alright!" Less bland personality compared to the previous Nutcracker, more of a toyetic look, approachable for the demographic this movie aims for... he's a keeper! Maybe not MY kind of keeper, but a keeper nonetheless!
Nutcracker Fantasy
3: Hey, spoilers, these are the only ones I full-heartedly like with few reservations. Like, I think all their human forms look like massive dweebs, but as with the Beast, excellent non-human design more than makes up for boring humanoid looks. You should be sorry to see the toy form go, and so it is here. Fritz/Franz are so much more appealing to the eye as a little round-headed, red-cheeked, diminutive-bodied toy. Surprisingly he doesn't get to move about all that much, mostly in one of Clara's dreams before she even enters the magical realm, although it's fun how the main bulk of the conflict with the Mouse Queen serves as an excuse to transform him. And hey, even if I can't get behind Fritz/Franz, I'm still down with his spangly clothes at the end.
(The buckteeth clinch it. Love those little nubs. Make him look like a chipmunk man.)
The Nutcracker (1973)
2: Oh, just... the perfectly rectangular box design. The little triangle nose. The way his jaw and teeth slide about his front. The tiny suitvest and little boots and big Napoleonic hat. The way he's all aghast and forlorn at his appearance in a frosty window. This little guy's practically perfect, lending himself well to physical comedy, action, and pathos at once, and as I already mentioned in the review, all impressively communicated in such a short timespan compared to everything else here. I choose to ignore his baby human form before the transformation in favor of praising his princely design, which mostly trades on mirroring Marie's for aesthetic strengths, but has a nice little dose of bishōnen anime guy from an 80s space fantasy series to tie it all together.
(Looks a little like stuff from the team behind Aeon Flux and Reign the Conqueror, actually...)
Nutcracker: The Motion Picture
1: Goblin man! Goblin man! Everybody look at the goblin man! We've gotten a bit of gonk-like ugliness from the last few entrants, but I think this is the only Nutcracker amongst the lot to fully capture Hoffmann's idea of something conventionally ugly yet easily lovable all the same. Those barred teeth and bugged eyes and squat body, and the way they translate it to a dancer by giving him this massive sports mascot head and flailing affect? What possible reason is there to not love him? I can even handily look past his human look being the most standard and bland-ish of the three I like the most, because he gets hurriedly converted back to bobble-head form for a few shots at the very end. Thank God for Maurice Sendak, and thank God for the good sense all involved had to provide us a Nutcracker banner in this style as well!
So, knowing the creativity the lead character inspired, what about...
The Mouse Monarchs?!?
(Accounting both Mice Kings and Queens where applicable, and judging in no small part by how many heads they've got.)
Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale
10: Like Jerry, the King of the Cats is not the Mouse King, no matter how clever they thought they were for flipping the usual dynamic on its head. He's the poor distinction of serving as subject to one of the film's two awful musical numbers, and suffers the typical problems all Tom and Jerry works do when the focus isn't wholly on Tom and Jerry's dynamic - namely, nobody wants to see someone else as the bad guy in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. He's like, a tiny bit better than Jerry by virtue of being a slight bit more than Just Jerry But Boring, but I still don't like him.
The Nutcracker in 3D
9: John Turturro, please go, and take your hideous CG rat face, your Andy Warhol fright wig, and your army of Italian Nazi rat people with you. And please, don't ever sing again.
(I just realized while writing this that I forgot to get screenshots of his mother, but I also just realized I don't actually care enough to go back and get any.)
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms
8: I really, really, REALLY want to come before you, my assembled readers, and tell you I adore Gigantic Mouse Golem Mouse King more than any other version on this list, and as a CONCEPT, I very much do. Talk about a creative way to get more than one head on a design! With just how little action Four Realms affords the character, and how it defangs him before relegating him to the same unimportant "fight a hopeless fight against empty mooks until the protagonist confronts the REAL villain and saves the day elsewhere" role as the Nutcracker, an excellent idea is relegated to the same pit as all other potentially interesting strands in this stupid movie. Not to mention, for being animated by a team affiliated with Disney in 2018, the swarming effects are shockingly weak.
The Nutcracker Prince
7: Interesting thing with this guy! He's pretty much the only character in Prince who receives substantial screentime across both art styles, and he acquits himself quite well as comedic buffoon in the one, and menacing figure in the other. I can't embrace him too tight, for the whole film's trend towards easy jokes undercuts the effect drastically, though the whole bit towards the end where he's raggedly breathing while stalking Clara before falling to his death helps make up for it. And uh, shout-out to Phyllis Diller, who is, as always, Here. Boy oh boy is she Here with every line she delivers.
Barbie in the Nutcracker
6: I've quite substantially more positive feelings towards the Mice Kings than I do the Nutcrackers, really. Their trend towards hammier performances and wilder elements helps some. Case in point: Barbie's Mouse King is mostly just an upright, muscled mouse in a nice purple suit, but he is voiced by a going-for-it Tim Curry, has a predilection for transforming his subjects into statues when angry or bored, and gets three times bigger to put the beatdown on the Nutcracker for the climax. Those elements elevate him above what the design might otherwise communicate quite a lot!
The Nutcracker at the Bolshoi Ballet
5: He's the least screentime of all the Mouse Monarchs featured in Mixed Nutcrackers, and a very conventional made-for-stage design, but you know what he's got? Class. Dignity. Posh. The air of a regal figure in his prime. I RESPECT this Mouse King. I would watch an entire ballet showing his side of the story. Someone get on that before I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it.
(What a MAGNIFICENT pose I've captured with this screenshot, right?)
Nutcracker Fantasy
4: Now we're getting to the multi-headers! The Mouse Queen's double-head act works very well in stop motion, and I highly appreciate the subtle differences between the two heads, alongside her tall, imposing design. Her son doesn't get much to do aside from act the sniveling mama's boy for most of the film, and obviously he's only the one lone head to work with, but his intrusion into Clara's fantasy at the end and the fairly brutal death he gets for something otherwise so light from Sanrio make him a memorable figure. There's TONS of good designs in Fantasy, so it says a lot about how strong this one is that it still pales in comparison to many others.
(If you're curious, my favorite design from any've these films is the Queen of Time's live traditinoal Japanese puppetry contrasting against the stop-motion characters.)
The Nutcracker (1973)
3: Holy hell, y'all, just LOOK at them. The big crown sitting atop all three heads at once is a GREAT little design choice, especially for a crown all in black with those fun little spiral shapes on top. The Mouse Queen's whole long, lanky design with the stooped back and big blue, black, and purple robes appeals to me aesthetically immensely. Her little stinker of a son balooning out into a puffy parody of himself and thumping around the room acting all high and mighty. This here's how you do a pompous, multi-headed royal in animation right twice over, with complimentary designs along two distinct tracts to boot! Plus, they've the best death concept for any of the Mouse Monarchs, with how their tails start to disintegrate and move up their bodies until they poof from existence.
Nutcracker: The Motion Picture
2: It's the cinematic progression that makes this one. The whole massive robes with hideous paws and sculpted head poking out look was already great. Adding on more and more heads as he grows in size was a phenomenal decision, and marks out the battle's turn towards the toys' helplessness well. Sticking on three more heads in the back? Amazing. But going beyond the mere ten-foot centerpiece he could be on stage, using bluescreen to render the Mouse King as a towering kaiju-like figure, complete with unique roar, whose robes become the portal to the Land of Sweets once he's defeated? A creative stroke of brilliance, one which makes him almost neck and neck with the final contestant. He's not my absolute favorite, but he's got presence and impact for days, and that ain't nothin'.
The Nutcracker (1993)
1: The mice here are already absurdly wonderful, with their massive tapering sack bodies, tendencies to flail their arms and heads through the air in despair and triumph, and group dynamic of a tough guy gang egging on anyone who'll look their way into a fight. Their King takes this absolutely, ludicrously good base look and personality, and does the single most important thing you can do when adapting the Mouse King. Say it with me, buoys and gills: He has the full seven heads, which I honestly did not expect a single production to attempt, much less one based on a live performance, and it looks GREAT. Lookit em up there, wreathing the main head like a crown unto themselves, with that nasty expression in the center. I love the fat bastard to death, and would do anything if it meant we got to see the Culk mime-fighting him again in the second act rather than whatever the hell his father instructed him to do to keep him from dancing a whit.
(I rented the film all over again just to get some decent screenshots, I like him so much.)
So, get me a production of The Nutcracker featuring the Nutcracker from The Motion Picture, the Mouse King from the Maculkin film, and Clara from the 1973 Russian version, however that would work with a live human actress, and I will patronize my local ballet troupe multiple times every single year until the day I die. Thank you all for joining me on Mixed Nutcrackers - I promise we'll try to get s'more Season Challenge stuff up in here soon. Limite is next, that'll be fun.
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